My Personal Testimony of Salvation: a Short-Story Version of my Conversion
Who am I kidding? I don’t tell short stories… this is the Medium Version:)
There is a short version —
“But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Romans 5:8”
My testimony of faith, probably like everyone’s, could be a very long story, but to spare you, dear reader, from the complete narration, here is my very best effort to pare it down to the basics.
I was saved in April of 2009. I had been married for seven years and our daughter was nine months old.
My submission to Jesus Christ as the only Way to Salvation came as a complete surprise. I was very satisfied with myself, my life, and my belief system. I had managed to walk the walk of a very inclusive and accepting humanistic new-age spirituality and was “brushing up” on the Biblical worldview because I had recently noticed myself feeling inwardly superior to Christians. That was against my nonreligion! So, I took action in order to re-interpret “their” belief system in a way I could “agree with.”
That process was going quite well, and I once again felt comfortable speaking the “Church speak” in a way that felt truthful to me and wouldn’t incriminate me as a non-believer, at least not in casual conversation. I felt pleased with myself and peaceful with all mankind. Yay, me.
And then I read The Screwtape Letters, by C.S. Lewis. (Sidenote: from the moment I learned to read I was always in the middle of some book. Any book. The Chronicles of Narnia was one of my all-time favorite childhood collections, and the Perelandria Trilogy was a much-enjoyed read as an adult.) I knew Lewis was a Christian, but never held it against him.
For anyone who doesn’t know, The Screwtape Letters is written as a collection of letters from Screwtape, a senior-level demon, to his nephew Wormwood, an entry-level imp with his first human being assignment. Wormwood’s task is to tempt his human towards the path of damnation throughout the human’s entire life. We never read Wormwood’s letters to his uncle, but we get clued in to his questions and concerns by way of Screwtape’s advice, admonitions, and reminders.
C.S. Lewis is an excellent writer and I was enjoying the story, but before I was halfway through, I was suddenly caught off guard by a specific thought that Screwtape told his nephew to suggest to the human. I had had that specific thought, and had latched on to it. I thought I was pretty clever for realizing the “truth” of that thought. I thought that the development of that thought had set me on a path of greater awareness, expansion, and fuller spirituality. I could see in my mind’s eye that a great big swath of my current personal nonreligion came directly from that thought. And I was… genuinely curious, but nervous.
I read the rest of the book on high alert. Sure enough, I recognized plenty of familiar ideas, thoughts, and beliefs that Wormwood was encouraged to suggest to his human. At the end of the day (I’m a fast reader) I had some facts to face. I didn’t necessarily want to, but if I am conscious of inner blame-shifting, self-endorsing, or lie-telling, I try to get to the root of it. If there’s one thing I am, it’s brutally self-honest.
If deceptive thoughts had been unknowingly cast about in my mind by something “other than” me… I definitely wanted to know! Sure, I liked those thoughts, and the comfortable, spiritual, “high ground” they led me to, but my curiosity drove me to be sure, one way or the other. If there’s one thing I am, it’s relentlessly truth-seeking.
If whatever I currently believe is not the most ultimate truth that can be known by me, and I’m staring directly at the evidence of something “more true” … I will drop old beliefs quicker than you can say “They lied to us!” I never want to be someone who will religiously hold on to any belief system just because I want to be right. I would rather know I’m wrong than believe I’m right. (Sidenote: I’m very thankful that this particular desire/ability is just part of my wiring, and also thankful that I can express it in a way that might enable others to utilize the same inherent-but-perhaps-weaker desire/ability in themselves.) I never want to be right about my beliefs… I want my beliefs to be right. In other words, true. I can’t *not* find out. If there’s one thing I am, it’s annoyingly research-oriented.
If C.S. Lewis could accurately describe the innermost thoughts that fed my beliefs and understanding, and he is claiming those thoughts are devilish in origin… maybe he knows something I don’t. I knew he had written Mere Christianity, a book in a category called apologetics. Apologetics is basically the discipline and practice of defending religious doctrine by systematic discourse. In other words, giving a logical explanation for one’s faith. So I gave myself a day to drag my feet and mull over my thoughts, then got a copy of Mere Christianity. If there’s one thing I am, it’s religiously logic-loving.
So. I started the book and within two chapters I knew. I knew I was facing an undeniable and unwanted truth, and I was super annoyed. I literally closed the book, closed my eyes, and whispered “h*** sh**. I’m going to be a f****** Christian by the end of this book.” I shook my head in ironic disbelief, opened my eyes, and read the rest of it. And I was right… somewhere in the reading, I had become utterly convinced that the God I had always believed in, the God I was so fond of, the God I talked to all the time, the God I thought was bigger than any known religion, was ACTUALLY the God of the “Christian” Bible. I could see the erroneous and deceptive path of “my way” and I repented. I accepted the correctness of God’s Way. Since imperfect man cannot meet a Perfect, Just, and Holy God on His terms… God came: — in the flesh — to the earth — in the person of Jesus Christ — to become the scapegoat — for all humankind. I put my faith in Him for my Salvation. By the time I read the last page, I had become a Christian.
I was shocked, but only for a minute. I had a long history of searching out the spiritual mysteries, chasing down the conspiracy theories, believing the hidden histories, and, in my youth, using the magical shrubberies. I actually found it funny that the all-encompassing, most-true Truth ended up being concealed in plain sight, in the “spiritual space” that most truth-seekers wouldn’t touch with a ten-foot mental pole!
I was a brand-new baby Christian and didn’t know what to do. But because I had read Mere Christianity, I knew that somehow the Bible was the key to the logical reasoning process by which mankind could know of God’s plan for Salvation. So step number one was obviously to learn more about the Bible. I believe this next part is VERY IMPORTANT, and I remember the moment clearly. I was in my car in my parent’s driveway. I was talking to God, thanking Him for Saving me instead of letting me go my merry happy way, and telling Him that since I never would have guessed the truth of Him on the path I had been going, I clearly had no reason to trust my reason. I remember taking a deep breath and promising God that since He saved me, I would believe the Bible. (This felt like a very big deal! And it was, but not for the reason I thought! Because even though I promised God that I would believe the Bible, the unspoken thought behind my spoken-to-God thought was, “even though it is completely ridiculous to believe the Bible…”) Sometimes I think back to that moment and have to laugh at my dramatic and grand concession to “repay” God for my Salvation… with more of my belief! I laugh because I meant it. I really thought I was doing God a great favor . I would allow Him to have the “last Word” and the seat of authority over my mental landscape… as if I “knew better” but was willing to suspend my rational and critical-thinking skills because (I thought) it had to be part of the process.
However! God truly sees our hearts and minds. He knows our intentions toward Him. Thank God!! Because as wrong as my thinking was, I really did mean it! I would believe whatever God said, no matter how ridiculous! And since I meant it, I believe God granted me the greatest gift of my New Life: learning the truth of the Bible (and over time, growing in the knowledge and understanding that it is His literal, actual, rational, orderly, supernatural, Living Word).
Within days I was directed to Les Feldick and very quickly became obsessed with studying the Bible. Les Feldick had a TV program, but he also has a website that contains the transcripts of every single made-for-TV lesson. I was up every night nursing our 9 month-old daughter, and then our son who was born two years later. And there were many years-worth of lessons! Compiled into Eighty-something Books, each containing Four Parts, each part containing four 30-minute made-for-TV lessons! Les is a wonderful Bible teacher, and I still recommend him to anyone who wants to learn. He has gone to be with the Lord, but his website is still active, and all of his programs are on YouTube (“Through the Bible with Les Feldick”).
(Sidenote: It wasn’t long before I circled back around to understand that God is, in fact, bigger than any known religion, and the Bible isn’t the “Christian” Bible. It is the Holy Bible. It began as the Word of God given by Himself to Adam and Eve, was passed down to their children and the following generations through the oral tradition and written records, those records were coalesced by Moses, who also wrote down the oral tradition, and added the direct revelation of the law God gave to him on Mt. Sinai, all combined to create the five books of the Torah. To the Torah was added the records of the prophets and the the writings of wisdom, until the Tenakh, or the Hebrew Scriptures, was complete. That’s what we would call the Old Testament. And the Word of God continued with four written eye-witness accounts of the birth, life, ministry, death, burial, resurrection, and ascension of the Messiah, and we call them the Gospels…they were written by and informed by Israelites who believed that Jesus of Nazereth fulfilled hundreds of Messianic prophecies in the Hebrew Scriptures. The rest of what we call the New Testament is comprised of letters written by the apostles Peter, James, John, and Paul to encourage, instruct, remind, and exhort those first-century groups of believers, both Jews and Gentiles. The final book of the Holy Bible is the Revelation of Jesus Christ.)
I promise I’m wrapping this up!
During those first 7 years after my conversion, I spent nearly all my spare time studying and learning the truth of God’s Word… I was blown away to learn about Bible prophecy, both fulfilled and unfulfilled. I knew I had been convinced of the gospel through my mind; the accuracy and consistency and logic of the Bible was undeniable to me, but what I didn’t realize is that my heart was still looking for satisfaction in the world.
Motherhood and Christianity had rocked my world. I had completely changed my lifestyle, and was doing my best to be a good wife (my husband wasn’t saved but he tried to put up with my faith), a decent homekeeper, and the best mom I could be to our kids. I had almost lost my identity, and in my heart I was feeling more and more frustrated, confused, and unfulfilled.
Over the following 3 years I still tried to live as a Christian, but my mind was bored, and I could tell that my heart wasn’t in it. Toward the end of those years I had pretty much given up on spending the rest of my life trying to “sacrifice my happiness for God”… my marriage fell apart, and part of me felt relieved. I could not deny the truth of the Bible, but I also wanted to “be happy” in the world.
I’ll spare everyone the details of my three-and-a-half year detour away from fellowship with God. It didn’t seem all bad, and for most of that time I felt more and more like my “old self.” The me I remembered being before I had children. I felt like I grew as a person. I looked for freedom from restrictive beliefs — and figured out ways to re-interpret the True Words of my Savior in ways that I could “agree with” but wouldn’t get in the way of doing what I wanted. Like a dog that returns to its vomit, I was back to my old tricks.
And then, last year, my daughter became suicidal. There was nothing I could do. There was no one who could understand. There was nowhere to turn, except to God. With my heart daily breaking for my daughter, He began to show me very clearly what it meant to give Him my heart without reservation. Jesus said in Matthew 22:37 that the first and greatest commandment is “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’
It took a minute, but looking back on the past year I can see that my Abba Father saw me when I was still far off. He prepared everything for my return, and ran out to greet me with hugs and unconditional welcome. I am restored to fellowship, my only desire now is to live my life for the glory of God through Jesus Christ, and I am forever grateful.
What I now realize is that Jesus Christ spent six hours on the cross with the penalty of my sin, died in my place, and was resurrected not so that I would just “believe He did it.” He did it so that when I saw the pride in my heart, and the confusion that resulted from trying to mix the Truth of God with the lies of the world, I could know without a doubt that Salvation comes by putting our faith in Him ALONE. In other words, the death, burial, and resurrection of God in the flesh on behalf of mankind is the only fulfillment offered… and to accept it in faith means not looking to the world for anything else. The world can’t give us the answers or satisfaction or happiness that we all deeply crave. And we all deeply crave fulfillment in these areas because God puts those desires there. He alone can grant these deepest desires, and it is His deepest desire to do so…
all He asks is our complete and total faith in Him.
